Writing and Learning is all the same

Selfish Intentions.

Mon, 09 May 2005 00:29:29 GMT

I've decided that I really, ultimately might loathe most people in this world. Everyone I know wonders out loud why people don't mind their own business when it comes to their own personal lives, and yet they can't help but involve themselves in others. So now I'm in a bit of a conundrom, how do I make myself feel better about my actions? Who do I trust? My friends who claim they are looking out for me? Some one I don't know well enough to have a conclusive opinion about? Or myself? The latter seems to be the best choice and is definitely what I will end up doing in the end. Here's what gives me such a headahce. Why bother telling someone something that you claim will avoid them being hurt, if all you're doing in the process is continuing to hurt that person.

Another thing. By telling me not to get involved in a situation because of the possibility that I could get hurt, you are basically telling me that I shouldn't ever step out of my room. I've been involved with great guys, with great reputations and still in the end, gotten so hurt that I couldn't breathe. But I don't believe that a bad reputation should hinder my experiences. If I get hurt, then that's what happens. I've been hurt so much in the past and I'm still standing aren't I? I still continue to grow and learn and be a better person probably because of it. Life has it's ups and it's downs, and the world needs both in order to operate correctly. A boring life would be never crying, because without the tears there is no comparison for when you are happy. I cherish every tear I ever cry because they bring me one step closer to a smile. And people who are my friends who try and keep me sheltered so I don't get hurt aren't doing anything for me, they are simply feeding into their own selfish intentions. I've been told so many things in this last year that really would have been better left unsaid. Situations might have been wonderful if not for the imput of other people. But in the end I can only blame myself because I am the one who chooses to let other peoples thoughts and words influence my opinion. I want to do this. I think most of you know what I'm talking about. I want to choose this path and I'm happy about it right now. And what I would love is that all of you support me now when its great, and if things go bad then you will support me to. That's how I treat all of my friends and I would love it if I could be treated the same way. I'm not some porcelian doll that's going to break if I get hurt. I may have broke down once but if you know me, you know I'm better than that now. I love you all for watching out for me. But the only way I can be strong is if I fall down and get back up.

On a different note, I miss dave. I haven't talked to him in like 3 weeks and that's so sad. I miss him oh so much and I can't wait to see him and spend time with him. He's honestly one of the only friends that I have from highschool that I haven't lost that much touch with. And he's one of the few people I've met in the world that treats me the same way all the time no matter what. There's some sort of bond between that is always left unsaid, but both know will always be there. He's like home to me. No matter where I go, what I do, who I'm with... I can turn to him for comfort, for shelter, for a shoulder to lean on. He's been so great to me without reason and without ever wondering why. We both have just accepted that our lives are more enriched with eachother in it, and no matter what people say or what happens, nothing will ever let us lose that. It's amazing to have a friendship like this. When things go terribly wrong I know that he will support my every decision. Even if he thinks it's stupid, and he will tell me if i'm being stupid. In the end he completely stands beside me and is there when I either extremely happy or extremely sad. He's seen me cry, he's seen me with no makeup, he's seen my true smile and heard my true laugh. He's been with me when I'm scared, and been there when I've lost people. He's seen me dressed up with pearls and dressed down in sweats. He's seen me in a bathing suit and even nothing at all. He's heard all the stories of my life, and has been there for stories I tell other people. He's unjudging and completely relaxed in my presence. He's made me nervous, he's made me sd, he's made me happier than I've ever been and he's made me grow up. So david, my darling... you are an everlasting presence in my life and always know you are one of a kind... love you babe.

Amanda's on her bed and I just realized how sad I will be when we leave here and I won't see her every moment of every day for 3 months. I adore this woman whose someone wrangled her way into my life. You the best mandala.

-erica

This is the sound of settling...

Thu, 05 May 2005 22:03:58 GMT

Amanda had her first good thursday in like years. It's a long story that I won't get into, but Thursdays aren't Mandala's best days. So maybe her luck is changing... so who knows... maybe mine is too. I did as little as possible today, including like 5 cafeteria runs for no reason since me, amanda and Primo together maybe ate half a meal. Why are we so dumb? None of us have been able to eat since the infamous Sunday when we were drunk at 3 in the afternoon.

I've also decided to become a vegitarian and stop drinking. Yea, no one needs to tell me I'm stupid, this is what I want to do and therefore I shall do it. I have no desire to eat meat nor to drink. Is that weird? For me it definitely is since my life is consumed by meat and alcohol. Maybe I'm growing up... maybe I'm just getting smarter. Do those two things have to coincide? It's unusual that I think about these things. I've also been going to sleep and waking up extremely earlier than usual. Amanda and Primo will come back from class at 10 and I'll be dressed and awake, when usually I wouldn't even wake up until 12. And yet with all my time, I do less than I did before. The strangest things have been happening lately.

I don't think I want to think about this anymore... haha

*Loser of the Day* - Amanda O'Sullivan
::during a conversation about books::
"I just read it if I like the cover"

-erica

Well this is quite true

Thu, 05 May 2005 14:53:27 GMT

You are 73% Flirt

How Much of a Flirt Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

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The show is over...

Wed, 04 May 2005 21:35:35 GMT

It's my last English Lit. class, which means that I am only one more class away from being finished with my freshman year of Iona College. I have finals until next Wednesday, and then summer shall begin. This last week hasn't been the most eventful, or the most exciting of all the weeks I've spent here this year... and yet it has become a period in time where I have reflected. I think deeply about how Ive changed, who I've met and where my life seems to be going. For the first time that I can ever remember when I think about the past, the laughter and the smiles are more prevalent than the tears. In my life the tears and fights have been abundant, yet somehow I've become this new person where the tears in my past don't haunt my future. And what I see is this bright shining future for myself where I am happy and successful, the prior being much more important. My smile has found it's way back to me, I know now that it was missing for too long of a time.

On a much lighter note, I had the funniest time last night. The whole day was full of Family Guy references and defending it's ingenious humor to less than intellectual people. I'm tempted to go on a rant about the obvious stupidity of people who don't comprehend Family Guy, and I say obvious because FG is all about historical and current events. That was a mini rant, I'll resist. Anyway the rest of the night was spent getting to know a pretty good guy less than great timing. But definitely lots of laughs there, which was great. You know you're having a great time when you leave and your face hurts from laughing so much. The pivotal part of the night occurred when I ditched Celtic an went to Crave Cave with Amanda. We were too lazy and too disgusted with the mess in our room that we decided to eat in the 2nd floor lounge. I quickly recap my night for Amanda, dead baby jokes included. About half an hour later we begin to get up, throw out our garbage and leave. On the way Amanda notices something can't resist the urge to comment.

Amanda : I love how they put "cans" or "paper" on the trash cans as if it's going to matter.
Me : **laughter** Yea! Like this one says "misc trash", what do you put in there?
Amanda : Probably dead babies.

And now my friends, you are one step closer to understanding why Amanda is my best friend and why I love to live with her. Today started with a 10 am class, then a canceled 1 pm class and is finished with this dumb 2:30 pm class. Then I hope to get drunk/stoned or something like that. And maybe I get to see a super cute someone

<3 Erica

Well this years almost over...

Tue, 03 May 2005 20:46:38 GMT

I'm going to miss my laptop and my wireless connection when I go home for the summer. Like right now I'm laying on my stomach in bed typing up this silly entry and it's so comfortable. And when im finished im just going to roll over and fall asleep until someone wakes me up to do something.

This past weekend was incredibly insane, more insane than any other weekend. There was a lot of drinking, a lot of smoking and a lot kissing... and a lot of trouble.

we'll leave it at that.

Sun, 01 May 2005 18:43:20 GMT

1. If you had to have sex with one celebrity on camera who would it be and would you actually do it?

One, this is ridiculous question considering your saying I have to, and then asking me if i would actually do it. Now I could be typical and say Johnny Depp because he's ridiculously hot, but I'm gonna go with Nicholas Cage. Wanna know why? CUZ HE'S OLD AND THATS HOW I LIKE IT. and plus... he's madd hott and would make great faces in bed. And yes i would do it

2. if you had a penis for one day what would you do with it?

I would touch that thing at all times. First I would jerk off. Then I would nap while touching it. Then I would ask someone for a blow job to see how that worked. Then a nap with more touching. Finally I would fuck someone real hard for hours and see how wonderful it was...because penis is whattup.

3. if an alien popped out of your vagina one day what would you name it and what would you do with it?

I would name it Click Click Flack...but would spell it KlihkKlihkFlok. And I would keep it and treat it like my little dolly. And when it would grow up I would make it build a spaceship so we can go to space.

4. who would you have sex with me tom or amanda?

tom... cuz he has the penis. But if you all had penises I would still have sex with tom cuz you idiots have boobs... and mine are small and would feel insignificant compared to amandas. But Primos are kinda my size... so maybe Primo...plus it'd be fun to scream PRIMO...so yea primo.

5. if you were in love with a guy and he wanted to be a drag queen for the rest of his life, would you still stay with him?

Of course...just cuz he dresses like a girl doesn't mean he's not a guy with a penis and muscles and scruffy face unless he shaves. and i love him...aww my lil drag queen.

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 00:58:05 GMT

I'm aware i have written in a while, my computer was being stupid and things got messed up. So don't fret I haven't died. On spring break now, just got home and thought I should tell you all how much i love college and they're wacky long ass breaks. HAHA suckers

i thought you knew...

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 15:58:12 GMT

I feel so horrible. A lot better than I did yesterday though. I had a fever last night and was nauseous and gross, i'm still not 100 percent but im getting there. So I was so icky last night and all i wanted was mark to be there and take care of me. i'm starting to think this distanced relationship thing sucks. i guess it sort of helps with getting me to do what i have to do, but late at night its so sad when im all alone with no one to kiss my forehead goodnite.

someone on livejournal compared "conundrum" to the work of e.e. cummings. thats insane. like really, honestly insane. for those of you who don't know who e.e. cummings is... well then you're dumb and stop reading my journal because i don't have dumb friends.

beer = bad

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 00:52:30 GMT

i need nothing more than you...

I don't even have a name...

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 06:45:28 GMT

Chris from the 5th floor is teaching me how to play the drums. He pretends I'm better than I am, which is actually really sweet, but I know I pretty much such right now. I've always wanted to learn to play so I'm glad I'm actually getting the chance. He's in two bands, Wasted Youth and Ten Pound Strike. Ten Pound Strike plays in the city and so I'm assuming he's pretty good...well really good probably. I joke and say he's a bad teacher, but he tries so it's nice. I always start things and never actually finish, so I want to actually practice and get good at least one thing. I don't know why I always wanted to play the drums and not guitar or piano... I just always saw myself rocking at the drums... I'm weird I know.

Basia and I had a pretty good conversation before about God and our beliefs and free will and all that stuff. We have differing opinions on everything, but it's always cool to hear other opinions on matters you really have a lot of thoughts about. I may not agree with everything she says, but it's always great to hear people speak so emotionally about what they believe and you have to respect people for that.

Family Guy is on once again. Today was a pretty boring day except for the fact that we have no toilet paper and are using tissues. I didn't get to talk to Mark too much, which is kind of upsetting, but he's been tired lately so I understand. I guess when I can't be right next to him I want to be able to talk to him to feel like I'm actually there. I'm getting used to Stewart... he's a cool pig. I want to go to sleep and yet I don't.

I'll have to update more later, i'm not in a really typing mood right now even though i have a lot on my mind. i just remembered a time when i was anti-capitalization and anti-punctuation. oh im funny

Why do I do these things...

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 17:44:57 GMT

(x)Napoleon Dynamite
()saw
()White Noise
(x)Anger Managment
(x)50 First Dates
()Jason X
(x)Scream
(x)Scream 2
(x)Scream 3
()Scary Movie
()Scary Movie 2
(x)Scary Movie 3
(x)American Pie
(x)American Pie 2
()American Wedding
(x)Harry Potter
(x)Harry Potter 2
()Harry Potter 3
(x )The Wedding Singer
( )Little Black Book
()The Village
( )Donnie Darko
(x)Lilo & Stitch
(x)Finding Nemo
( )Finding Neverland
( )13 Ghosts
(x)Signs
(x)The Grudge
(x)Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(x)White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x)Thirteen
()I Robot
(x)Dodgeball
()A Series Of Unfortunate Events
()Along Came A Spider
( )KingPin
(x)Never Been Kissed
(x)Meet The Parents
()Meet The Fockers
()Eight Crazy Nights
()A Cinderella Story
(x)The Terminal
(x)The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(x)passport to paris
(x)Dumb & Dumber
()Dumb & Dumberer
(x)Final Destination
(x)Final Destination 2
( )Halloween
(x)The Ring
()Practical Magic
(x)Chicago
( )Ghost Ship
()From Hell
( )Hellboy
()Secret Window
(x)I Am Sam
(x)The Whole Nine Yards
(x)The Day After Tomorrow
(x)Child's Play
()Bride of Chucky
(x)Ten Things I Hate About You
(x)Just Married
(x)Gothika
(x)A Nightmare on Elm Street
(x)Sixteen Candles
()Joy Ride
(x)Seven
()Identity
()Lone Star
( )Cujo
(x)A Bronx Tale
()Darkness Falls
( )Christine
(x)IT
(x)Children of the Corn
(x)Maid in Manhattan
( )Frailty
(x)How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x)She's All That
( )Calender Girls
( )Sideways
(x) ever after
(x)Forrest Gump
( )Big Trouble in Little China
(x)Jeepers Creepers
()Jeepers Creepers 2
(x)Catch Me If You Can
()The Others
(x)Freaky Friday
( )Reign of Fire
(x)Cruel Intentions
()The Hot Chick
(x)Swimfan
(x)Miracle
(x)Old School
( )Ray
(x)The Notebook
()K-Pax
(x)Lord of the Rings
(x)Lord of the Rings 2
(x) Lord of the Rings 3
(x)A Walk to Remember
()Boogeyman
( )Hitch
( )Cursed
(x )Queen of The Damned
(x)Dawn of The Dead
(x)My Big Fat Greek Wedding
()Stepford Wives
(x)Spiderman
()Spiderman 2
( ) Stay Tuned
(x) Garden State
(x) Titanic
(x) mean girls
( ) Requiem For A Dream
( ) Equilibrium
(x)Almost Famous
( )Million Dollar Baby
(x) Fight Club
()Open Water
(x) nightmare before christmas
(x) When harry met sally

let the rain fall...

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 04:16:38 GMT

I am completely aware that I'm a ridiculous idiot stalker who makes huge mistakes that I shouldn't be able to try and take back. And you never ever can take back anything that you ever say, and I know all this. I know I'm insecure and spoiled and I want too much and I when I get it all I throw it all away. I'm aware that I can't do things that normal people can do and I can't act the way normal people do. I'm difficult and I'm jaded and I'm always torn between two completely different worlds. There's no but like there usually would be. I have no excuse, I have no reason and I certainly have no way to get out of this one. I'm fucked up and there's no excuse. I'm stupid and there's no excuse. I hurt people and there's no excuse. I cry and there's no excuse. In my mind I know to stop all these horrible things that I do, and yet it seems impossible because as much as I try I never quite get there.

I have to try harder. I have to do more. I have to take the step and do more than just take responsiblity for my mistakes. I have to stop making them. It may have started a long time ago and it may be a bad habit. I need to stop. It might be harder than anything I've ever done, but I've done a lot of difficult things and I came out a stronger and better person. I know deep inside my heart that I am good. That I do care. That I do love. That I do have a great heart and I am capable of being better than this frightened fraction of myself that I've somehow become. I don't know when I got like this but I hate it and I want to be who I used to be. I want to jump innto things without fear, without worry and without heartache. I want to be able to be the great person that everyone says is deep within me.

I have a lot to do to make this up to you. I might never be able to make you trust me completely again. I may never be able to make you fall in love with me. I may never be able to completely let my guard down. I know I'll never stop trying, and if the day comes that I ever do, I know it will be a sadder day than yesterday. Words don't help when it comes to situations like this. Apologies don't work and pain doesn't matter. My actions will obviously be able to speak louder than anything I could ever scream or say. I won't ever be perfect, but I want to try and be as perfect to you as I can be. I want to try and show you all the things that I don't know how to say. I want to try and accept my fear and somehow overcome it. Most of all I want to be with you. Most of what I say never makes sense, and I know you try and understand my jumble of words and emotions. You've dealt with more than anyone else ever has. I've put you through the worst without understanding why, and only now do I think I understand it somewhat. I put you throught the worst because in my heart I feel you might be the best thing I've known so far. I can't ask anything of you because you've done everything I've ever asked for and so much more that I could never imagine ever asking. You've changed my idea of what a relationship should be, and I know it's for the better. I don't know if you ever believe anything I say, but I pary that you do. I promise to listen and to learn. love.

It's not late, but I'm beginning to get tired. I don't have much to comfort me here away from home and away from mark, but I have stewart or stuart I don't know how it's spelt. Being here has taught me a lot. My freshman year is almost over and it's all slipping away so fast. I've done a lot of horrible things, but I've also met a lot of great people so I wouldn't change this year one bit. There are those I've lost touch with, but there are those that will always be there in my heart. Those of you who I have loved alway have a place with me, and I hope I hold a place in your heart as well because great friends are hard to come by. It's never too late to learn somethings... I'm glad I am learning... even if it's now.

I walk this empty street...

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 18:38:52 GMT

I'm at Mark's dorm room right now. He just went in the shower. I have horrible cramps and I want to come home, but I know I'd miss him if I left. We went to visit Kyra last night, John was there and it was pretty cool seeing them again. It didn't seem like she really wanted me there. We were supposed to go to a party but I passed out when I got back to Mark's room... a little too much chronic if ya know what I mean. It was a pretty good night though.

Amanda left me a drunk message, I swear the only time I've ever been shitfaced with that girl was at a strip club in the city. I'm feigning for a ciggy right now. Maybe I can convince him that it was stop my cramps. Mark won't let me read some of his conversations with his friends. I guess we're just not at that share everything point in our relationship yet, im sure we'll get there. (not sarcastic)

I have a speech presentation due on Monday and it's on the use and effects of anti-depressants. Dr. Levy let me borrow his psych book with pretty pictures in them. God I feel like crap, I hate being a girl. Really though. I eat too much around Mark and I don't work out enough, I'm going to get fat. I can't wait until spring break, I hope me and amanda go to the gym like every day. I'm also getting my hair cut short and highlighting it. This is a really dumb entry I'm sorry.

I feel like a lot of things happened last night, but it all feels like it was just a dream. I don't know why but I feel like I don't remember getting home or riding on the subway or walking to the dorm. Wow i must have been really burnt out last night. I remember eating a lot of food though. All thanks to marky. OH and the girls from the 27th floor came down to say hi, but we forgot to go upstairs. I love those girls, they're so much better than most of the girls I know at school, besides an exceptional few. They're so adorable and have so much fun. I wish I went here just so I could hang out with them. I know what you're thinking, don't you wish you there so you could be near mark? Well I actually enjoy the distance. It allows me to have a whole life that has nothing to do with being in a relationship. I think this is the first relationship I've been in that hasn't defined me. When people saw me in high school I was either "___'s girlfriend" or "____'s ex-girlfriend" and that was annoying. I was always labeled by who I was or wasn't with at the time. But now, here in college, people don't know who i'm with, if im with anyone at all, and it feels great to be judged only by my personality and what they can see from meeting me.

He's taking a really long shower and im pretty much done here, so i'll see ya around.

Just something funny I needed to remember...

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 03:44:25 GMT

Nicole, Mike and I are watching Family Guy, God I love this show. Any ways, Nicole claims that she nevers farts, or passing wind or whatever you all want to call it. So Mike and I have tried convincing her to do it and we won't tell anyone. She hasn't fallen for our plan yet. But tonight we were all in the room and Mike and just started chanting FART! FART! FART! and she didn't. So I told her I'd do it with her, she laughed but I could not. Apparently my bodily functions can't be done on command. The Mike tried and said "I can't fart on command, I'm gonna crap myself." It might not be funny to anyone but me, but I laughed for hours. This past week has been full of the funniest nights of my life. Amanda wakes up in the middle night while me and nicole are checking if classes are cancelled, sits up straight in her bed and goes whhatt? No one said anything. She's crazy. I smoked a ciggarette at 4:30 in the morning last night. Me and Amanda went to the diner at 6:30 and brought Nicole back dry toast. The randomest things have occured this week. I had a shaving cream fight after giving Brenden chocolate laxatives. Nicole, Amanda and I weighed ourselves i our underwear at 3:30 am Tuesday morning. OH my Gosh this just happened...

Mike: I have to wake up at 6 in the morning. 6 in the morning. Erica, do you know what time I have to be up tomorrow?

Me: 6 in the morning?

Mike: SIX IN THE MORNING!! No one but freaks and hippies wake up at 6 in the morning. and crackheads. yea crackheads. Am I a freak? Am I a hippie? Am I a crackhead? NO!! SIX IN THE MORNING!

Just a funny update... well I laughed.

Who is this boy, and where did he come from?

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 00:40:29 GMT

Last night was spent worrying about Mark and talking to him on the phone until almost 4:30 in the morning. Now I'm sitting watching Anchorman with Nicole and Mike waiting for Basia to get home so we can go get messed up for her birthday. Tomorrow will be spent at Mark's until Sunday morning where I will come home and do work then go to bed.

Our conversation last night wasn't appealing to Mark so I have to remind myself not to ever express my feelings. I'm just ranting, I guess it made him uncomfortable or whatever, but that upsets me because I want to be able to discuss whatever I want and not have to worry about it. Twenty minutes earlier he had said that I could tell him anything, but apparently not. I don't mean to make a big deal out of a nothing, and I don't think it's a big deal, just something that's on my mind right now. Okay now I'm done with that.

I went to the doctor today and he was asking weird questions, about recurring dreams and headaches or whatever. I was only in there for twenty minutes tops and I don't even understand why I have to go there if all he does is ask like ten questions and then says by. I wish I had a job like that where I don't have to sit and listen to people for hours, that would be really good.

I'm going to see Kyra tomorrow, I haven't seen her in what seems like forever. I miss that stupid girl, she was alway so crazy and we always had such an amazing time. Jay's going to Iraq in basically 10 days and I won't be able to say goodbye to him. I've been praying for him everyday and I'm not even sure if I believe in God. It's odd to think that someone I have known since I was eleven years old will be thousands of miles away getting shot at and trying to kill people. He was like my baby brother for so long, and now in some way he's like my protector. He's grown up so much and has gotten so smart and I hate that I wasn't able to see him go through all these changes. But I love the fact that he has grown and is doing a great thing. I hope he does all right in Iraq, and whether you are for or against the war, I hope you all pray for him.

I miss Mark a lot. And that's just weird because usually I don't really miss people too often. I'm used to having people come in and out of my life and not really care too much. But with him, it's like I can't get enough. He has this weird axe, sweaty, marky smell and I miss it when it's gone. He calls me baby, but not the way other people did, in this voice that makes me smile even when I'm mad. I swear he smiles at me and it's like the world melts away. I don't know if he's gorgeous just because I'm so incredibly smitten by him, or because he's actually that good-looking. I'm sure it's a bit of both, but I feel like I'm one of the luckiest people in the world because I got the chance to meet someone who has swept me off my feet and is taking me on this crazy roller coaster of emotions and I never want to get off. I can't tell you why I like him so much, he's funny and sweet and caring and insane and romantic and crazy and smart and all these little things that words can't seem to describe. And he's making me realize that life is now and I can't dwell on the past and future. The majority of our time is spent making fun of eachother, teasing eachother and reciting movie or family guy lines. But there are those rare, sweet moments where both of our guards are down and we sit down and just talk. These conversations are never forced and they usually aren't expected. But after wards, I feel so relieved and amazed that I have someone I can have fun with, make out with and talk with. There's not one thing I would change about him and there's not one thing that I wish he would do or have.

I'm going to actually watch this movie now.

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 04:21:46 GMT

I used to be so good at this. I don't know when it stopped, or when I just simply decided to stop writing, but it's sad to have no release. I'm at college now, in New Rochelle and Iona College. Living with my best friend Amanda has been one of the many perks of living without parents. Not only did she introduce me to my current boyfriend, she has also saved my life one more than one occasion.

Before I left for college, everyone I knew told me that Iona would show me and teach me things that high school could never come close to revealing. No one believes that anything could be better than high school. I wanted to believe that things could get better, but of course there was fear. And when I say fear, I mean a lot of it. The pressure, the classes, meeting new friends. It all was just too much to handle, and I dealt with a lot my first semester. I met people and became friends with people that I shouldn't have ever been associated with. I did stupid things, I drank too much, had too many one night stands and left too many people behind. But I had to do all those things. I had to make so many mistakes that I never got the chance to make back in Long Island. And now... I can finally say college has changed me.

I feel better about myself. I feel better about the friends that I have now, because I know they are true friends. I also couldn't be happier about my current relationship. Mark, he goes to Marymount Manhatten and is quite possible the funniest man I know, except for his best friend Tom of course. I find myself smiling randomly and I don't know when the last time that's ever happened to me. Oh and college classes, although long, are not as difficult as high school teachers make them out to be. The work so far isn't harder, only a lot more of it. And the classes that I've chosen, I love.

I'm taking right now Latin, Oral Communications, Literature, Computers and Religious Studies. I took Latin last semester and I absolutely adore my teacher Beckwith. He's hilarious and a great professor who knows everything about any language. Religion and Literature have sent me on some soul searching path, with an intense urge to figure out the meaning of life and where I will be lead after wards. Have I figured it out? Hell no. But the way I figure it, I have at least 70 more years to figure that all out. Well I will when I stop smoking. Amanda and I are in the same Literature class and after wards on the walk back to the dorm we always end up having some deep, meaningful debate on the existence of God, the Tree of Knowledge or the fall of Lucifer.

I dont know when it started, but all the people I co-habituate with now are smart and interesting people, with much to say and even more to do. I'm long past the days of screaming loud songs and going crazy over the latest One Tree Hill episode. I go a little crazy once in a while, having shaving cream fights in the hallways and stealing boxers from the boys down the hall. And yet in the end we all end up talking about President Bush's latest speech, how we feel about the tobacco industry or whether love exists. I don't know when I suddenly grew up, but I'm still young enough to realize that this is just the beginning. I have so much more to learn and I love every second of every day because of it. Being in college has already outshone every expectation I had ever had of this wonderful place. I walk down my campus road and look around and the street clock, the lamps, the old buildings and the masses of people running to class and I can't help but think of how lucky I am. I was allowed to be a part of this huge community that younger people work to get to and older people wish they could get back to. It flies by so quickly and I want to cherish every moment.

Now I'm off to find a stoag and smoke my life away...