| Selfish Intentions. |
[08 May 2005|08:02pm] |
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Wicked |
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I've decided that I really, ultimately might loathe most people in this world. Everyone I know wonders out loud why people don't mind their own business when it comes to their own personal lives, and yet they can't help but involve themselves in others. So now I'm in a bit of a conundrom, how do I make myself feel better about my actions? Who do I trust? My friends who claim they are looking out for me? Some one I don't know well enough to have a conclusive opinion about? Or myself? The latter seems to be the best choice and is definitely what I will end up doing in the end. Here's what gives me such a headahce. Why bother telling someone something that you claim will avoid them being hurt, if all you're doing in the process is continuing to hurt that person.
Another thing. By telling me not to get involved in a situation because of the possibility that I could get hurt, you are basically telling me that I shouldn't ever step out of my room. I've been involved with great guys, with great reputations and still in the end, gotten so hurt that I couldn't breathe. But I don't believe that a bad reputation should hinder my experiences. If I get hurt, then that's what happens. I've been hurt so much in the past and I'm still standing aren't I? I still continue to grow and learn and be a better person probably because of it. Life has it's ups and it's downs, and the world needs both in order to operate correctly. A boring life would be never crying, because without the tears there is no comparison for when you are happy. I cherish every tear I ever cry because they bring me one step closer to a smile. And people who are my friends who try and keep me sheltered so I don't get hurt aren't doing anything for me, they are simply feeding into their own selfish intentions. I've been told so many things in this last year that really would have been better left unsaid. Situations might have been wonderful if not for the imput of other people. But in the end I can only blame myself because I am the one who chooses to let other peoples thoughts and words influence my opinion. I want to do this. I think most of you know what I'm talking about. I want to choose this path and I'm happy about it right now. And what I would love is that all of you support me now when its great, and if things go bad then you will support me to. That's how I treat all of my friends and I would love it if I could be treated the same way. I'm not some porcelian doll that's going to break if I get hurt. I may have broke down once but if you know me, you know I'm better than that now. I love you all for watching out for me. But the only way I can be strong is if I fall down and get back up.
On a different note, I miss dave. I haven't talked to him in like 3 weeks and that's so sad. I miss him oh so much and I can't wait to see him and spend time with him. He's honestly one of the only friends that I have from highschool that I haven't lost that much touch with. And he's one of the few people I've met in the world that treats me the same way all the time no matter what. There's some sort of bond between that is always left unsaid, but both know will always be there. He's like home to me. No matter where I go, what I do, who I'm with... I can turn to him for comfort, for shelter, for a shoulder to lean on. He's been so great to me without reason and without ever wondering why. We both have just accepted that our lives are more enriched with eachother in it, and no matter what people say or what happens, nothing will ever let us lose that. It's amazing to have a friendship like this. When things go terribly wrong I know that he will support my every decision. Even if he thinks it's stupid, and he will tell me if i'm being stupid. In the end he completely stands beside me and is there when I either extremely happy or extremely sad. He's seen me cry, he's seen me with no makeup, he's seen my true smile and heard my true laugh. He's been with me when I'm scared, and been there when I've lost people. He's seen me dressed up with pearls and dressed down in sweats. He's seen me in a bathing suit and even nothing at all. He's heard all the stories of my life, and has been there for stories I tell other people. He's unjudging and completely relaxed in my presence. He's made me nervous, he's made me sd, he's made me happier than I've ever been and he's made me grow up. So david, my darling... you are an everlasting presence in my life and always know you are one of a kind... love you babe.
Amanda's on her bed and I just realized how sad I will be when we leave here and I won't see her every moment of every day for 3 months. I adore this woman whose someone wrangled her way into my life. You the best mandala.
-erica
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| This is the sound of settling... |
[05 May 2005|05:57pm] |
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Death Cab For Cutie - The Photo Album - Steadier Footing |
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Amanda had her first good thursday in like years. It's a long story that I won't get into, but Thursdays aren't Mandala's best days. So maybe her luck is changing... so who knows... maybe mine is too. I did as little as possible today, including like 5 cafeteria runs for no reason since me, amanda and Primo together maybe ate half a meal. Why are we so dumb? None of us have been able to eat since the infamous Sunday when we were drunk at 3 in the afternoon.
I've also decided to become a vegitarian and stop drinking. Yea, no one needs to tell me I'm stupid, this is what I want to do and therefore I shall do it. I have no desire to eat meat nor to drink. Is that weird? For me it definitely is since my life is consumed by meat and alcohol. Maybe I'm growing up... maybe I'm just getting smarter. Do those two things have to coincide? It's unusual that I think about these things. I've also been going to sleep and waking up extremely earlier than usual. Amanda and Primo will come back from class at 10 and I'll be dressed and awake, when usually I wouldn't even wake up until 12. And yet with all my time, I do less than I did before. The strangest things have been happening lately.
I don't think I want to think about this anymore... haha
*Loser of the Day* - Amanda O'Sullivan
::during a conversation about books::
"I just read it if I like the cover"
-erica
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| The show is over... |
[04 May 2005|05:17pm] |
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My computer's laughing at me |
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It's my last English Lit. class, which means that I am only one more class away from being finished with my freshman year of Iona College. I have finals until next Wednesday, and then summer shall begin. This last week hasn't been the most eventful, or the most exciting of all the weeks I've spent here this year... and yet it has become a period in time where I have reflected. I think deeply about how Ive changed, who I've met and where my life seems to be going. For the first time that I can ever remember when I think about the past, the laughter and the smiles are more prevalent than the tears. In my life the tears and fights have been abundant, yet somehow I've become this new person where the tears in my past don't haunt my future. And what I see is this bright shining future for myself where I am happy and successful, the prior being much more important. My smile has found it's way back to me, I know now that it was missing for too long of a time.
On a much lighter note, I had the funniest time last night. The whole day was full of Family Guy references and defending it's ingenious humor to less than intellectual people. I'm tempted to go on a rant about the obvious stupidity of people who don't comprehend Family Guy, and I say obvious because FG is all about historical and current events. That was a mini rant, I'll resist. Anyway the rest of the night was spent getting to know a pretty good guy less than great timing. But definitely lots of laughs there, which was great. You know you're having a great time when you leave and your face hurts from laughing so much. The pivotal part of the night occurred when I ditched Celtic an went to Crave Cave with Amanda. We were too lazy and too disgusted with the mess in our room that we decided to eat in the 2nd floor lounge. I quickly recap my night for Amanda, dead baby jokes included. About half an hour later we begin to get up, throw out our garbage and leave. On the way Amanda notices something can't resist the urge to comment.
Amanda : I love how they put "cans" or "paper" on the trash cans as if it's going to matter.
Me : **laughter** Yea! Like this one says "misc trash", what do you put in there?
Amanda : Probably dead babies.
And now my friends, you are one step closer to understanding why Amanda is my best friend and why I love to live with her. Today started with a 10 am class, then a canceled 1 pm class and is finished with this dumb 2:30 pm class. Then I hope to get drunk/stoned or something like that. And maybe I get to see a super cute someone
<3 Erica
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| Well this years almost over... |
[03 May 2005|04:42pm] |
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Death Cab For Cutie - The Photo Album |
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I'm going to miss my laptop and my wireless connection when I go home for the summer. Like right now I'm laying on my stomach in bed typing up this silly entry and it's so comfortable. And when im finished im just going to roll over and fall asleep until someone wakes me up to do something.
This past weekend was incredibly insane, more insane than any other weekend. There was a lot of drinking, a lot of smoking and a lot kissing... and a lot of trouble.
we'll leave it at that.
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